Alcohol: The Cause and Solution of Life’s Problems
by Lord Raa
Summary: A new comedydrama from your fiend, Lord Raa. Caution: adult content within.
1. Chapter 1

Alcohol: The Cause of and Solution to all of Life's Problems

By Lord Raa

* * *

Disclaim-me-do: Gentlemen, thaw your chickens.

* * *

"God damn it," a very drunk Misato cursed loudly as she entered her apartment.

"Is something up, Misato-san?" Shinji asked from the lounge.

"Yeah, that bastard Kaji started chasing after other women when we were out," the Major complained as she wrestled her shoes off.

Upon entering the lounge, the purple haired inebriate was surprised to that her male ward sitting on the couch with a CD in his hand. "Run out of batteries, Shin-chan?"

"Sorry, I-" the pilot was cut off by Misato dropping heavily on the couch next to him.

"You think I'm pretty, don't you Shin-chan?"

Shinji gulped when he noticed the slinky black dress his guardian was almost wearing. "Yes, very pretty," he agreed.

"I'm hot, I'm fun to be around and I can show you a good time, so why can't I get any action?" Misato whined. "Don't men like me?"

"Touji and Kensuke like you," the young Ikari answered.

"Yeah, but they're boys, not men," the drunken woman snorted. "I don't want a cheap one night stand, I want something better!"

"Like what?" Shinji asked, slightly backing away from Misato's waving hands.

"I don't know, being hugged and told I'm special. And not just because of my tits," the Major said as she hefted her cleavage. She noticed that the young man's face was threatening to burst from the blood pressure and smiled. "Oh, you like?"

The teenager gulped loudly.

"Would you like to touch them?" Misato asked, moving closer. "Do you want to see why Kaji and the others are so impressed?"

Shinji shot up off the sofa. "M-m-m-misato-san!"

"D-d-don't you like me, Shin-chan?" the purple haired woman asked with fake tears and an exaggerated sniffle.

"I do like you, Misato-san!" Shinji insisted. He took a deep breath. "It's just that… I'm not ready for that sort of thing."

The drunken Major looked at Shinji's blushing cheeks and felt a small pang of guilt about her behaviour towards the first man in a while to not think of her as another easy woman. "I'm sorry, Shin-chan, I didn't mean to upset you. Can you help me to bed?"

"I-," the pilot blushed furiously as the tactical officer grabbed his arm.

"Please?"

Shinji took a deep breath as he helped the inebriated woman to her feet. He staggered slightly under the weight of the drunkard, the awkward distribution constantly shifting as the pair slowly made their way out of the lounge.

"Do you need to go to the toilet, Misato-san?" the young Ikari asked.

"Yeah, I need a pee," the purple haired woman said as she reached out to push the door to the WC open.

Shinji manoeuvred his roommate through the narrow gap, only to freeze in panic when the voluptuous woman mentioned that she needed help to remove her underwear.

"Come on, Shin-chan, it's not like you've never seen them before, you do the laundry for God's sake."

"But…"

"Look, Shinji, how long have we known each other? If I couldn't trust you not to do anything, I wouldn't have asked you to help me, would I?" Misato asked patronisingly as she leant against the tiled wall. "I may be drunk, but I'm not so drunk I can't tell if someone's groping me."

"I would never do something like that!" the pilot protested with a blush.

"I know, so hurry up and help me out of my panties, Shinji! I don't want to pee myself!" the drunken beauty reminded her roommate in an exasperated tone.

"Ok, Misato," Shinji said as he took a deep breath to steady his nerves before his delicate task.

The young Ikari slid Misato's soft, silken underwear from her shapely hips and down her smooth, slender thighs. As Shinji crouched down, he found that he needed to be careful or he'd be rubbing his face against the fantastic ass that his two best friends so often dreamed about.

"Ready, Misato-san," the blushing teenager announced. "I'll be outside."

"Ok," the drunkard smiled as she prepared to relieve the pressure in her bladder. "Oh, and Shinji, would you mind taking my panties into my room?"

* * *

Outside the toilet, Shinji blushed profusely as he held the almost indecent piece of black silk in his hands.

"Touji and Kensuke would kill me out of jealousy if they ever knew about this," the normally melancholy teenager sighed.

His thoughts turned to a conversation he'd had a scant few weeks earlier, "his fellow Stooges" as Asuka liked to refer to them, had asked him if he'd ever had the chance to sniff Misato's panties. He'd blushed and stammered out a denial that he'd ever thought of doing that.

The two perverts had rolled their eyes in unison, and muttered something about him "still being a child" and "how they would take care of Misato-san!" much to his embarrassment.

Shinji cast his gaze back to the cooling piece of fabric. "Should I or shouldn't I?" he asked himself over and over again.

Eventually, caution and fear at being branded a pervert won out over curiosity and he put the panties into his pocket and knocked on the door.

"Misato-san?"

He was answered with a light snoring which made him smile. "You can't stay here, Misato-san."

Helping the incapacitated woman up off the toilet, Shinji wished he was a lot stronger. He grunted as he shifted the dead weight and wondered if this was like what yakuza types had to deal with when they were moving corpses about.

After several minutes of struggling, Shinji had finally managed to get the purple haired woman to her room and onto her bed. Feeling exhausted, the pilot said good night to Misato and decided to turn in himself.

* * *

When morning arrived, Shinji groggily switched the bleeping alarm off and sighed. He hadn't gotten much sleep thanks to his dreams about piloting Unit-01.

Sighing, he decided that food would make him and the no doubt hung-over Misato feel better and left to wash up before making breakfast.

Upon entering the toilet, he noticed that the last person there hadn't flushed last night. When he remembered just who that was, he blushed some more.

After he took his morning whiz, he flushed and left for the bathroom for a quick shower.

Ten minutes later, he was cooking breakfast – omelette, toast and coffee; though he had a suspicion that Misato would prefer "hair of the dog" for her morning meal.

Just before the food was ready, Shinji turned the heat off the hob and paid Misato a visit.

"Misato-san, would you like some breakfast?"

"Food? Is it a) greasy, b) spicy, or c) all of the above?" came the muffled reply.

"I can add some pepper to the omelette, and we do have some chilli sauce for a bacon sandwich," Shinji answered, hoping that it would be ok.

"You're my hero, I'll be out in a few," the woman said with a smile.

Shinji rushed back to the kitchen to start frying up some bacon for his roommate.

Moment later, as if attracted by the smell of cooking pork products, a mass of purple hair appeared at the kitchen entrance. "Hmmm, Shin-chan, you're too good to me."

"Morning, Misato-san," Shinji greeted as he turned the hob off for a second time that morning. "There's some coffee in the pot."

"Thanks, Shinji," the hung-over woman smiled. As her roommate passed her a plate of food, she looked at it with a small frown. "What, no sausages?"

"I'm sorry, Misato-san, but the only ones we had left were fish ones, and that's all we had that Pen-pen will eat," the part time chef apologised.

"That's ok, Shinji, I was just teasing you."

The meal was eaten in silence, and Katsuragi surprised her young ward by refraining from opening up an ale or two.

"Is everything alright, Misato-san?"

"Yeah, it's just that I remember stumbling home drunk as a lord but I don't remember climbing into bed," the tank-top and cut-off shorts clad woman answered with a concerned look on her face.

"You asked me to help you to your room, but when we stopped off at the toilet, you fell asleep," Shinji explained with a blush.

"I must have been trashed," Misato chuckled, "it's been a while since I last fell asleep on the toilet."

The purple haired beauty sipped some more coffee as her roommate cleared the table. "Wait, if I fell asleep on the toilet, and woke up on my bed with no panties on, what happened? Did you take advantage of me?"

"NO!" the pilot protested loudly. "You asked me to take them off you!"

When the young Ikari shoved his hands into his pockets, his face fell.

"What's up, Shin-chan?"

"N-nothing," the teenager replied with a blush.

"That look on your face means it's not 'nothing'. Tell me what it is," Misato ordered.

Shinji pulled his hand out to reveal the same black pair of skimpy panties that he'd helped the drunkard out of last night.

"So that's where they went to. Well, can I have them back now?"

The teenager's face threatened to explode from the blood pressure as he returned what his friends considered to be one of Tokyo-3's greatest treasures.

"Thanks for not doing anything to me last night, Shinji," Ms. Katsuragi said with a smile. "I mean it. I know what young men are like around a passed out woman, especially a looker like me."

Shinji's blush hardly dissipated.

"So, what are your plans for the day, seeing as how Asuka won't be back from Hikari's for ages?"

"I don't know, Misato-san. I thought I might get some cello practice in," the young Ikari shrugged.

"I know – why don't we go for a drive?"

Seeing the teenager blanch, Misato rolled her eyes. "Fine, let's do something else. What would you like to do on this fine, sunny Sunday? Come on, I'm giving you the chance to do anything you like with me."

"A-anything?" Shinji stuttered.

"Well, within reason. I don't mean locking ourselves in my bedroom and fucking like bunnies until we're too sore to move."

"I didn't mean that," the young Ikari protested, his blush reaching its previous level. "I thought that we might go for a picnic or something."

"Oh, well that's ok then. I don't think us having sandwiches out by a tree would cause too much of a problem," Misato mused. "Tell you what, let's ask Ritsuko join us. I'm sure she'd like to come."

* * *

Ritsuko Akagi stretched as she looked for her ringing phone.

"Hello?"

"¬Ritsuko, it's me, Misato. Are you doing anything today?¬"

The faux blonde scratched her head. "No, nothing planned. I was hoping to catch up on some sleep. Why?"

"¬I was just wondering if you'd like to come with me and Shinji for a picnic, that's all. I know how you don't get out much.¬"

"I see, thanks for your concern about me, Misato," Ritsuko rolled her eyes. "Let me get back to you, ok?"

"¬Yeah, sure. Call me back on the home phone, Shinji'll answer while I take a bath,¬" Misato replied cheerfully before hanging up.

Ritsuko returned the phone to its cradle and stretched. Climbing out of bed for some food, the chain smoking scientist lit up her first cigarette of the day as she walked to her kitchen.

"Damn," the still sleepy woman cursed. "I guess that I need to go shopping for food… unless I take Misato up on her offer. I suppose spending time with her wouldn't be too bad, IF she doesn't get hammered."

Walking back to her cordless phone, she dialled Misato's apartment and told Shinji that she'd join them for their picnic.

* * *

When Shinji finished speaking with Ritsuko, he strode back into the kitchen to make enough food for another person.

"Was that Ritsuko?" Misato asked through the bathroom door, causing the young Ikari pause.

"Yes, she'll be here in about half an hour," the amateur chef answered.

* * *

Ritsuko rang the doorbell five minutes after Misato had finished dressing. She was wearing a black skirt and a sky blue blouse combination, while the purple haired woman had chosen a pair of faded blue jeans that hugged her shapely derriere and a grey sweatshirt.

"Hi Ritsuko," Misato greeted with a smile.

"Hi Misato," the bottle blonde waved. "Where are we going for this picnic?"

"Why? Are you hungry?" the tactical officer teased.

"Yes, actually, I am," Ritsuko said tersely.

"Hello, Dr. Akagi," Shinji said as he walked up to the front door with three lunchboxes. "I hope you like octopus and mackerel."

"Hi, Shinji. Yes, I do like octopus and mackerel. Where were you thinking of going for this picnic?"

"I was thinking by the lakeside at the Geo-Front," Misato answered. "It seems as good a place as any."

* * *

After the meal, Ritsuko was grateful that she'd been invited along, and even more grateful that it was Shinji that had made it. As a sign of her appreciation, the bottle blonde had told the pilot to call her by her first name.

"Hey, Shin-chan, would you mind getting me a can of iced coffee?" Misato asked. "White with sugar, please."

"Ok, would you like anything Ritsuko-san?"

"Yeah, the same please."

As the pilot left to find a vending machine, Misato turned to her friend from college. "Ritsuko, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"If you were Shinji's guardian, would you let him go out with me?"

"Pardon? Can we back up a few spaces? What's brought all this on?" the blonde asked as she reached for her cigarettes.

"Last night, I came home a bit worse for wear," Misato admitted.

"And? Wait, are you telling me you fooled around with Shinji?"

"No! It's just that I know he finds me attractive and he had ample opportunity to get his rocks off last night," the purple haired woman explained. "He didn't even try to cop a feel when he helped me to bed."

"And the point you're trying to make is that Shinji didn't act like most boys his age would?" Ritsuko asked as she breathed out a plume of smoke.

"No," Misato sighed. "My point is that he looks after me and I want to do something nice for him. You got any ideas?"

"Well, your intentions are good, even if your methods are dubious, Misato," the blonde sighed. "You think getting a girlfriend for Shinji would help him?"

"Yes, but I can't think of anyone other than Rei and, well, she wouldn't know what to do. Any other girl from his school would be a security risk," the Chief of Operations mused. "Hey, what about you? Would you like to be Shinji's girlfriend?"

"Hardly," the smoker deadpanned. "Teenaged boys aren't my type."

"What about Maya? Is she seeing anyone?"

"Misato, what do you think Shinji would do if he found out that you fixed him up with a girl?" Ritsuko asked, gesturing to the approaching pilot with a nod of her head.

"Yeah, you're right. I guess that I'll have to take one for the team," Misato grinned, causing her friend to roll her eyes.

"Here you go, Misato-san, Ritsuko-san," Shinji smiled as he handed a can to each of his fellow picnickers.

"Thanks, Shinji," the two woman smiled.

"So then, Shinji, is there a girl you like?" Misato asked as she cracked open her can.

"Misato's not trying to embarrass you, Shinji-kun, she just thinks that a relationship with a girl would do you good," the scientist clarified.

"Oh, ok" Shinji nodded in relief. "I guess that there is. Rei's not mean to me."

"That's not the same thing, Shin-chan," the purple haired woman countered. "I'm talking about having someone who makes you feel special. Kinda like the way you treat me makes me feel."

When she saw Shinji, Misato quickly added, "I mean because you look after me. I don't lust after teenaged boys, I'll have you know!"

"That's going to disappoint those two kids that were in the entry plug," Ritsuko deliberately muttered loud enough for her friends to hear.

Shinji looked away to hide the smirk on his face.

The scientist's mobile phone alerted her to the fact that he's received a text message. "Damn," she cursed. "Looks like I need to get back to the office."

"Ok, Shinji, you get the cloth and the boxes, I'll take care of the trash," Misato said as she stood up.

* * *

A short while later, the trio of picnickers had returned to Misato's apartment. As Ritsuko remotely unlocked her car, she turned to face her old friend.

"Misato?"

The purple haired woman locked her car and walked up to the bottle blonde. "Yeah?"

"Look, normally I wouldn't care about who you're sleeping with, but just don't do anything stupid with Shinji," the scientist warned.

"What?"

"Don't be his girlfriend, be his friend who just so happens to be a girl."

"I'm not planning on fooling around with him," Misato hissed as she looked to see if Shinji had overheard her conversation.

"I know, Misato, I'm just saying that you need to be extra careful it doesn't get out of hand."

* * *

When Shinji and Misato returned home, they were greeted by the sight of Asuka glaring angrily at them.

"And just where have you been?"

"We were having a picnic, what's it to you?" Misato asked as she put her keys on the side table in the hallway. "Why? Did you feel left out?"

"No," Asuka rolled her eyes, "who'd be jealous of anyone on a date with that baka?"

"Sounds like a classic case of denial," the purple haired woman smirked. "But that's neither here nor there. Why don't you put the kettle on, Shin-chan?"

"Of course, Misato-san," the Third Child agreed, making his way to the kitchen.

"What's up, Asuka?" Misato asked when they were alone.

"Nothing," the redhead replied truthfully. "I'm just surprised to see you going out with Shinji, that's all. You're not dating him, are you?"

Misato rolled her eyes, knowing that the Second Child's comment was a ploy to bait her into making some sort of outlandish claim or protestation. "You sound jealous that I was on a date with such a perfect gentleman, Asuka-chan."

"I am not jealous of you and that boring little boy!" Asuka huffed before storming off to her room, leaving the tactical officer to smile in victory.

"Now, let's get some tea."

* * *

That evening, Shinji, Asuka and Misato sat in front of the TV. They were watching an animated comedy about an android from the future that had travelled to the past. Apparently, she was under orders to learn about human behaviour so she could teach the children that had been artificially gestated from cryogenically frozen embryos.

"This is your classic 'fish out of water' comedy," Asuka dismissed. "I mean, the fact that she has no usable skills in this setting is a pathetic attempt to get us to feel like she's the plucky underdog, rather than decide that she's actually useless. And what's with the male lead being attracted to her, she a fucking robot!"

"What? You think he'd be better off with the violent girl?" Misato asked with more than a hint of amusement in her voice. She took a long swig of her beer.

"Like he's in her league," the redhead snorted. "Just look at her, she's smart, beautiful, rich and what's he got to offer? Nothing, because he's a loser."

"That's a bit harsh, Asuka, I mean he isn't a jerk like that other guy," Shinji replied.

"No, but he's got a spine like a wet noodle, at least you're good in bed, I mean battle," Asuka blushed as she covered her slip.

"Paging Dr. Freud," Misato chuckled. "What makes you think that Shinji would be good in bed, Asuka? You and Shinji going at it when I'm not here?"

"No!" the pilots protested in unison.

"I'll have you know that I'm an unsullied maiden!" Asuka shouted angrily at the perceived slur. "I'm saving myself for Kaji!"

"Well, I suppose that when it starts to burn when you pee, it'll be his fault rather than yours," the purple haired woman chuckled.

"What? Didn't you and Kaji do it in college?" asked the redhead.

"Yeah, but I made sure he always wore a condom, Asuka. You're a college graduate, Asuka, surely you know what can be passed on by sex," said the voluptuous woman.

"You don't think he's got the clap, do you?"

"To be honest, I don't know. I wouldn't let him touch me like that without getting him tested first," Misato shrugged. "But that's enough talk of manwhores and STIs. It's getting late, and you two have school in the morning."

"I call the bathroom first," Asuka said as she rushed out to claim her place ahead of the others.

Misato turned to her other ward. "So then, Shin-chan, did you have fun today?"

"The picnic was nice," the Third Child smiled.

"Well, I talked with Ritsuko, and I've decided that we're going to do more fun things together. Now, I can't promise how often they'll be, what with the Angels and all, but I'll try to make to for us to spend together, how's that sound?"

"That sounds great, Misato-san," Shinji smiled broadly. He stood to gather the dishes and empty wrappers and beer cans. "Do you want another beer?"

"Yeah, thanks Shin-chan."

* * *

A short while after Shinji and Asuka went to their rooms, Misato switched the TV off and stretched.

Her evening's half dozen beers started to stir certain feelings and urges insider her. "Hmm, perhaps I could spare a few minutes to sort out that itch," she thought with a sly grin.

Slinking off to her room, the purple haired quickly undressed and opened the bottom drawer of her bedside cabinet. She pulled out her battery operated friend. It wasn't something that she'd used for a while, what with the Angel attacks, her frequent alcohol induced comas and the fact that she didn't have as much time to herself lately.

"Well, it seems that I need your help, Vibe-chan," Misato sighed. "I know you're good, but we have to be quick."

Checking batteries, she groaned in frustration when she realised she had to change them. "At least they haven't leaked and ruined you."

Lying on her back, the slightly buzzed woman switched on her sex toy and started to tease her erogenous zones. She began with her full breasts, the twin "ears" of the vibrator stimulating her nipples and eliciting a soft moan of pleasure.

"I think I'm ready for the main event, Vibe-chan," Misato said to her bedtime companion.

* * *

Shinji's eyes snapped open. There was no two ways about it, he needed to pee.

He struggled to his feet in the dark, not wanting to risk disturbing the others by switching the light on. Feeling his way along the corridor to the toilet, he paused when he heard what he thought were sobs from Misato's room.

The young Ikari decided that he needed to comfort his guardian more than he needed to urinate and so headed to Misato's room. It was then that he heard a faint buzzing sound and the noises that the purple haired woman was making becoming louder.

"Misato-san, are you alri-" Shinji froze as he saw his commanding officer naked, masturbating with a buzzing sex toy. His face turned bright red as he suffered a small nosebleed.

"Shinji! What are you doing here?" Misato asked, looking around, hoping that Asuka was still asleep.

"I thought I heard you crying, Misato-san," the pilot replied, as he clutched his face to stop blood from spilling everywhere.

"I didn't mean for you to see this, Shinji, I'm so sorry," the nude woman sounded suitably ashamed at being caught like in the middle of such an act by her young charge.

Normally, Misato would have teased Shinji to deflect attention from her own misdemeanour, and she certainly had enough ammunition for that when she saw the way the pilot's boxer shorts were tenting, but she felt that she should continue on her quest to prove her responsibility.

"I can explain, Shinji," the Captain insisted weakly. "But I'll understand if you don't want to be around me anymore."

The blushing Shinji asked the big question. "W-why were you doing that?"

"Well, you know when you think about certain girls in a certain way, you get excited?" Misato asked, not able to look at the young man. "You know, so excited you need to do something about it?"

The pilot nodded, his cheeks radiating shame and embarrassment.

"Well, sometimes women get excited like that. Especially it it's been a while since we were intimate with someone," the purple haired woman admitted.

"Oh, I sorry for bursting in on you," the teenager apologised before leaving for his original destination. "I won't bother you again."

"Left alone, yet again," Misato sighed to the empty room. "I can't even spend time with you anymore, Vibe-chan."

She looked up. "Wait, does he think I want to get rid of him? Asuka's right, he is a baka…"

Sighing again, she rose to her feet and rushed off to talk with her male roommate.

"Shinji," Misato called through the door to the male pilot's room.

"Yes, Misato-san," the young Ikari asked from behind the naked woman.

"Ah," the Chief of Operations gasped. "Where did you come from?"

"I was in the toilet."

"Oh. I want you to know that I want you to stay with me," the curvaceous nude said with a smile. She rolled her eyes when the shy young man looked away. "Look at me, Shinji."

"But you're naked…"

"And your point is?" Misato asked as she placed her hands on the pilot's cheeks. "Look Shinji, I want you to stay with me. Not just because you look after the apartment, but because you're nice to me."

Shinji smiled shyly.

"In fact, Mr. Ikari, if you were ten years older, I know for a fact that you wouldn't be sleeping in this room," the purple haired beauty winked. "Hell, if you were five years older, we'd probably be knocking boots."

"Misato! You're embarrassing me!" the pilot whined.

"You think I'm teasing you? You want me to prove I'm not?"

The young Ikari nodded silently.

The voluptuous drunkard surprised the reluctant pilot by sticking her tongue in his mouth. After what seemed like an eternity for Shinji, Misato broke the kiss, only for the young Ikari to faint.

"Pfft, girl pants," the purple haired lovely snorted good-naturedly. "Come on Shin-chan, let's get you to bed."

"M-misato-san? I had this weird dream that were naked and we were kiss-"

"Oh, so kissing me is weird, eh?" Misato teased. "And I thought you knew how to treat a girl properly."

"Misato!"

"Shush, unless you want to wake up Asuka."

Shinji clapped a hand over his mouth. "Sorry, Misato-san," he whispered.

"It's ok, Shinji. We're both tired, so let's get some sleep, shall we?" The two roommates parted ways for the night.

* * *

During breakfast, Shinji found that he was unable to look Misato in the eye without blushing.

"What's up, Shinji? You decided to perv over Misato like your fellow Stooges?" Asuka asked after growing tired of the interaction between her two roommates.

"Asuka, Shinji's a teenaged male, he can't help it if he finds me attractive," Misato smirked. "Besides, it just show's he's got taste."

The young Ikari blushed at the way he was being talked about, but continued eating.

"Pfft," Asuka snorted in derision.

"Kaji-san lusts after Misato-san, don't you think that he's got taste?" Shinji asked.

"That's got different!" the redhead retorted.

"How so, Asuka?" Misato asked as she sipped her coffee. "I really want to know how Kaji trying to get into my panties is different to Shinji having a crush on me."

"It just is, ok!"

"If you say so, Asuka. Is it that time already? You'd better get going if you don't want to be late," the purple haired lovely told her charges.

* * *

Misato walked up to Ritsuko's office and knocked on the door. "Hey, Ritsuko, you got a moment to talk?"

"Yes, come on in, Misato. What's up?" the shapely scientist asked as she sipped her lukewarm coffee.

"It's about Shinji."

"What did you do?" the faux blonde asked with a sigh. "You made a move on him, didn't you?"

"No, well, kinda," the purple haired beauty winced. She shut the door behind her and sat next to her former college roommate. "I may have stuck my tongue down Shinji's throat last night."

"Why? Why would you do that, especially after I told you to be careful, Misato," Ritsuko said as she rubbed her temples. "You're doing this deliberately to me, aren't you?"

"No!" Misato insisted. "It's just that I was a bit vocal last night when I was with Vibe-chan and Shinji walked in on me, thinking I was crying."

"Wait, so Shinji caught you masturbating last night and you made out with him?" Dr. Akagi asked in tired tone. "I can't believe you thought that was a good idea, Misato."

"I didn't plan on that happening, Ritsuko! I just kissed him to prove that I wasn't teasing him when I said that liked him," the Captain insisted, her cheeks turning red at that admission.

"And now he's all confused about what to do and how to act around you, Misato," the bottle blonde sighed. She reached for her cigarettes. "I'll be honest, Misato, I don't approve of you getting romantically involved with Shinji. One, there's the age gap; two, you're co-workers, and office romances rarely work out; and three, the most important reason for you not to do anything like that, is the minor detail of you being his legal guardian."

The purple haired woman sat in silence.

"Look, Misato, it's not like I want to see you unhappy," Ritsuko said as she exhaled a plume of smoke. "But do you really think having that sort of relationship with Shinji is going to make you both happy?"

"It's not like his life is exactly joyous at the moment, is it?" Misato reasoned.

"Fine," the smoker rolled her eyes. " Do what you want. I won't tell anyone unless they ask, but I won't cover for you, ok?"

"Thanks, Ritsuko."

* * *

To be continued…

Well, I though that I needed to write a Shinji/Misato fic. So that's why you got this lime :P

There could be more lemony goodness in later chapters, but as you're aware, the "good stuff" isn't allowed here. Check out my homepage on my profile if you think a scene was cut short, as I'll have post an unedited version elsewhere and there should be a link to direct you to the right place…

This was sort of pre-read by Chi Vayne, but I needed to post this while he was working, so sorry for any mistakes you see.

Until laterer comes, folks.


	2. Chapter 2

Alcohol: The Cause and Solution of Life's Problems

By Lord Raa

* * *

Disclaim-me-do: It's a trap!

* * *

Part Two

* * *

Shinji sat quietly in his classroom, content in letting the lesson carry on without him. Touji and Kensuke had tried to instant message him, but his response of "not now" had allowed their imaginations to start working on possibilities for his even more distant behaviour.

Their suggestions ranged from problems at NERV to Misato punishing him after he tried to get them some of the lavender haired goddess's underwear.

Deciding that the latter was the case, the Stooges left their martyr to himself.

Asuka and the other students ignored the melancholy pilot, which was fine by him as it allowed the young Ikari to turn his attention outside.

The bell rang, announcing the end of the school day, much to the relief of the students.

"You finished moping, Shinji?" Asuka asked her roommate. "Or do you want to come last in the sync tests?"

"Coming, Asuka," the Third Child sighed.

* * *

At NERV, Misato was observing the sync tests. She'd hoped that she'd have a chance to speak with Shinji before the start, but thanks to Maya's innocuous and legitimate questions as to his wellbeing, there wasn't time.

Ritsuko frowned as she looked at the figures. "Shinji, are you alright? Your score is down a few points from the last test."

"¬I'm ok, Dr. Akagi, it's just that I've been a bit distracted today.¬"

"You're not concentrating enough, Shinji. Asuka and Rei don't have any problems today," the bottle blonde said, hoping to goad the reluctant pilot into improving.

"Tell you what, Shinji, if you can raise you score by three points and keep it there, I'll do something nice for you," Misato offered with an ambiguous tone.

"Like what, Misato?" Ritsuko asked. "You're not planning anything morally dubious, are you?"

"¬Ok, Misato-san, I'll try harder.¬"

The two college friends could almost hear Shinji blushing over the intercom and smiled at each other.

"I tell you what, Shinji, if you can improve, then you can go on a date with Misato," the scientist offered with a grin.

"Ritsuko!" Misato hissed. "What do you think you're doing?"

Switching off the intercom, the bottle blonde faced her old friend. "I'm seeing how much Shinji likes you, Misato."

"By pimping me out to him?" the purple haired woman asked indignantly. "Just what are you up to, Ritsuko?"

"Misato, I'm not going to help you or hinder you if you want a deeper relationship with Shinji, but I don't want you to use him for a one night stand. He's under enough emotional stress as it is without him being used for cheap thrills."

"I wasn't planning on that!" Misato insisted. "I just wanted to see if I could motivate him. I am planning on doing something nice for him, you know."

"Good thing, too," the Ritsuko smirked. She surreptitiously switched the comm. system back on. "Shinji's score has gone up 4 points from his previous score and is steady. Where are you going on your date?"

"We are not going on a date just because you decided to offer me as a prize, Ritsuko!" the tactical officer growled.

"¬But you are going to uphold your end of the bargain, aren't you?¬" Shinji asked in a hurt tone, his question caused the two older women to pause.

"What? Of course I am, Shinji! It'll be the best date you ever went on!" Misato declared.

"Well then, that's settled," Ritsuko smiled. She opened the line to the other test chambers. "Shinji, Asuka, Rei, we're done here. You're free to go and do what ever you want for the rest of the day. Within reason, that is. I don't want to hear about you going for a joyride."

The pilots acknowledged the scientist's words and left to wash the LCL off.

"What are you up to, Ritsuko?" the purple haired lovely asked. "I mean, you practically forced me into this date with Shinji-kun. Why?"

The faux blonde reached for her cigarettes and lit one up. "You're right, I shouldn't have done that."

"But you did. Why?"

"Because," Ritsuko exhaled a plume of smoke, "if I hadn't, Shinji wouldn't have done anything and you'd be feeling like a predator if you were the one that always made the first move. You might be shameless, but you're not that kind of woman, Misato."

"Thanks," Misato smiled sarcastically. "Anything else you want to do for me while I'm here? Maybe you think I should have my apartment redecorated and you're trying to get us all out of there so some TV makeover show can fill it with tacky colours and uncomfortable furniture?"

"No, I'm having your apartment searched for illegal pornography. Someone's been accessing test data."

Misato frowned until she saw her friend's stern façade crack. "You had me there, Ritsuko."

"Hook, line and sinker," the bottle blonde laughed.

* * *

As the freshly showered Shinji and Asuka made their way from the locker rooms to the exit, they met up with Misato.

"Ah, there you are, Shinji. I wanted to talk with you," the purple haired woman smiled. "It's about tonight."

"T-tonight?" Shinji parroted.

"Yes, you remember your prize for you improvement today, don't you?"

"What prize is this?" Asuka demanded. "Why should he get one? I'm the best pilot, you know."

"Because Shinji raised his score by four points today," the captain replied. "He's the most improved of you three."

"But my score is still the best, so why don't I get a prize?" the redhead asked with her hands on her hips.

"And what do you want for a prize, Asuka?" Misato asked, already having an idea.

"A date with Kaji, of course!" the Second Child beamed, causing her roommates to roll their eyes.

"Speak of the devil," Misato muttered angrily as she saw her former lover appear.

"Hello there, Misato-chan!" the unshaven man greeted warmly.

"What do you want, Kaji?"

"To see you, of course, Misato-chan," the spy answered with a flirtatious grin. "Hey why don't we go on a double date?"

"I don't see why not," Asuka smiled at the object of her affection. 'I'll dump Shinji and Misato to be alone with Kaji!'

Her thoughts were along the same lines as that of both Kaji and Misato, though for different reasons.

"Ok, but you're paying for the karaoke, Kaji," the purple haired beauty ordered.

"Yes, ma'am," the long haired man mock saluted.

* * *

The quartet sat in the small karaoke room deciding on who should go first and sing what song. Asuka wanted to go first, naturally, and impress Kaji.

Unfortunately for the redhead's plan, the unshaven man was busy staring at Misato's breasts.

The purple haired woman soon realised what Kaji was paying attention to and sighed. "Ok, Asuka, what did you want to sing first?"

The teenaged girl flicked through the catalogue past the syrupy love songs that were popular with teenagers. "There's nothing here that seems right. Is this really what people like to sing along to?"

"If you want, we can try something from the 'Classics Selection'," Misato offered. "You think you can sing along to something older than you are?"

"Of course," Asuka preened. "I'll have you know that the music teachers in college thought my singing voice was great."

The Second Child made her choice and started to sing along to some pre-Impact Japanese rock. Her vocal talents were applauded when she finished "Blurry Eyes" by L'arcenciel.

"Very nice, Asuka," Kaji praised, much to the delight of the redhead.

"My turn. This one's for you, Kaji," Misato declared. She had already selected her tune and did a few face stretching exercises as she counted along in time.

Three and a half minutes later, and Misato had completed her rendition of The Kaiser Chiefs' "Everyday I love Less and Less", and although Shinji wasn't too sure what his guardian had been singing about, he applauded.

Asuka turned away to hide her grin, as her knowledge of the English language was far superior to her roommate's.

"You wound me, Misato-chan!" the long haired man clutched at his heart.

"Yeah, well, perhaps if you weren't such a skirt-chaser," the purple haired soldier shrugged. "But anyway, it's your turn, Kaji."

The unshaven man realised that he needed to pull off something spectacular if he wanted to patch things up with Misato. "Ok. Let's see how you like this."

The spy wet his whistle and began his slightly off-key version of The Yellow Monkey's "Tactics," with much emphasis on the parts where he announced his need for Misato's love.

"Meh," the voluptuous woman shrugged, though there was a smile on her face that gave Kaji a glimmer of hope. "You're up, Shinji. What are you going to sing?"

"I haven't decided, yet Misato-san," the introverted pilot replied.

"Baka," Asuka rolled her eyes, "you've had longer than any of us to choose."

"But I don't know many of these songs," Shinji protested. "What's a good one, Misato-san?"

"How's your English pronunciation?" the lavender haired alcoholic asked. "I know: this one will do nicely!"

The young Ikari looked at the selected track. "Are you sure Misato-san? I mean, I don't know much English."

"Yeah, but this is about having fun, Shinji. And if you can't laugh at yourself, what right do you have to laugh at anyone else?" the redhead asked rhetorically as she sipped her drink.

"That is a valid point, Asuka," Misato nodded, "even if Shinji-kun doesn't laugh at people. Go on, Shinji, either make us proud or make us laugh."

Seeing as there was no other way about it, the Third Child took his place at the screen and started to sing along in bad, broken English to a song that was released before even his mother was born.

"Sorry about that," he said in apology after he finished his interpretation of Queen's "Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy", a song that he would never have picked.

Asuka held her face in shame at the terrible pronunciation her fellow pilot had displayed. "Baka! Don't you even pay attention in class? You're rubbish. Besides, do you know the meaning to even half of those lyrics?"

"N-no," Shinji answered with a blush. He had a nasty feeling that the redhead was going to tell him that Misato had deliberately chosen a song with suggestive lyrics.

"'I learned my passion in the good old fashioned school of lover boys'," the half German girl quoted in English before translating into Japanese. "You do know that he just about admitted to attending a school for manwhores, don't you?"

"M-misato-san!" the young Ikari shouted, blushing furiously. "How could you do that to me?"

The purple haired woman made no attempt to hide her amusement at the situation.

"It's not funny, Misato-san!" Shinji insisted.

"Yes it is," the captain laughed loudly.

"You're picking on me!"

"Misato-chan, you are being mean to Shinji," Kaji agreed. "What kind of woman are you, to keep picking on Shinji. I know that he does the chores in you apartment, what is he, your bitch?"

Misato stopped laughing. "No. you make it sound like I make him wear a gimp mask and tiny leather shorts while he cleans up the apartment!"

Asuka giggled at the mental image of the "Invincible Shinji Ikari, Angel Slayer Extraordinaire" as Captain Katsuragi's bitch, complete with fetish gear.

"Hey, it's not like that," the tactical officer protested. "Shinji looks after me because he's a nice guy, not because I threatened to make sure he's 15IBRC certified."

"'15IBRC certified'?" her fellow singers echoed.

"Yes, you remember that course, don't you Kaji?" Misato asked with a smirk. "I can give you a refresher if you want…"

The spy froze. "Y-you're joking. Right?"

Asuka blinked at the exchange before her. 'I've never seen Kaji like this. What did she do to him?' She faced her female roommate. "What's 15IBRC stand for and what does the certification for it entail?"

The long haired man made shushing gestures at his former lover.

"I'm not sure that you're old enough for that knowledge, Asuka-chan," the curvaceous woman said in a slightly patronising tone.

The redhead frowned. "What are you talking about?"

"Just something that happened in the past, Asuka. Nothing to worry your pretty head about," Kaji interjected in an uneven tone.

Even Shinji picked up on the fact that the unshaven man was unsettled by Misato's comments. "I think that our time is up, Misato-san."

"What already? Damn, oh well. Come on, I think it's time for something to eat," the purple haired woman decided.

* * *

The foursome entered a nearby ramen bar. Shinji was silent, as he was still embarrassed by the comments from his friends.

"Oh, stop being such a big girl's blouse, Shinji," Asuka scolded.

"You really should deal with the fact that people think you're cute, Shin-chan," Misato sighed.

"But did you have to say that you wanted to know if there was a 'good old-fashioned school of lover boys that I could enrol in'?" Shinji asked as he took his place at the counter. "Especially when we were near those girls from my class?"

"What's up, Shinji, don't you want to know how to make a lady happy?"

"Have you been drinking while we weren't looking, Misato?" Asuka asked as she sat down.

"No, I don't think so," the purple haired woman shrugged. "Unless someone spiked my drink," she added looking at her former lover.

"Are you trying to completely destroy my reputation?" Kaji asked.

"No," Misato shook her head. "What shall we order, since this is on Kaji tonight?"

"Hey," the unshaven man protested. "I only agreed to pay for karaoke, not dinner for all of you as well."

"Well then you and Shinji should split the bill. Or is chivalry completely dead?"

The spy rolled his eyes, but it was Shinji who pulled out his wallet. "How much for four bowels of ramen?"

"Two thousand, three hundred yen, including tax," the man behind the counter answered with a smile.

"Ok, what flavour would you like?" the young Ikari asked his friends.

"Beef."

"Spicy beef."

"Seafood."

"And I'll have chicken, please," Shinji added as he pulled out the money.

"Hey, Shinji, can I have a beer, too?" Misato asked with hopeful look in her eyes.

"Does anyone else want a drink," the Third Child asked with a sigh.

"Peach soda," the redhead answered.

"I'll have a beer, too, Shinji-kun," Kaji replied, making the shy pilot sigh.

"I'll have a grapefruit soda as well, please."

"That's an extra 2000 yen please," said the man behind the counter to Shinji.

The young Ikari sighed as he handed the money over. It seemed that it was yet again his turn to be taken advantage of.

"Why don't you sit next to me, Shinji?" Misato asked with a smile as she gestured at the table nearest to her.

The meal was eaten with the expected amount of small talk and things continued with the veneer of civility and for a while and everyone was at least content. At least until the moment the Third Child felt something brush up against his shin.

Shinji blinked, but assumed that someone was just attempting to get comfortable.

That's when it happened again, this time he realised it was moving up against his leg, towards his knee.

"Did anyone just feel something?" the male pilot asked his friends.

Kaji blanched as realisation dawned upon him – he'd been playing footsie with the young man.

Misato saw the look on her former lover's face and sipped her beer to hide her smirk. "It seems someone's interested in you, Shin-chan."

"What?" Asuka asked in disbelief. "Who'd want a dullard like him?"

"I don't know, someone was playing footsie with him under the table. I wasn't me, and if it wasn't you it only leaves one person. What do you think, Kaji?"

"What? Damn you baka hentai Shinji! How dare you try to seduce Kaji from me! I thought that it was bad enough with Misato's sagging milk udders catching his eye every five minutes!" the redhead screeched.

"I'm not interested in Kaji!" Shinji protested. "And Misato-san's not sagging!"

The young Ikari blushed as he realised what he'd just said.

"So you have seen Misato-san naked?" a voice sounded from behind the quartet. "And I thought you were our friend, Ikari."

Shinji turned to see Kensuke and Touji standing there looking miffed that their friend had "scored" with their lavender haired goddess and not told them all the juicy details.

"Great, all the Stooges are here now," Asuka muttered angrily in a voice that was loud enough for everyone that Shinji knew to hear.

"Great, her Highness, the Queen of Hell is here too," Touji grumbled in a similarly loud tone.

The two nemeses glared daggers at each other.

"What brings you here, Kensuke?" the pilot with domestic skills asked, hoping to defuse the situation.

"We're just hanging out," the bespectacled teenager answered. "So you on a date with Misato-san or what?"

Misato decided to have some fun. "Of course. And Shinji-kun's been the perfect gentleman. You'd do well to learn from his example on how to treat a lady."

"Lady?" Asuka snorted in derision.

"I'm not the one throwing themselves at a pervert, Asuka," the purple haired woman countered in a snooty tone.

"I'm not a pervert!" Kaji protested.

"Then what do you call playing footsie with a teenaged boy?" the tactical officer asked with teasing smirk.

"And what games are you playing with Shinji?" the unshaven man replied. "It sounds like you're having all sorts of fun yourself, Misato-chan."

Misato placed an arm around her male roommate's shoulders. "That's none of your business, Kaji, especially since we're going to play poker later."

"Strip poker?" Touji asked, his mind already arriving at the most perverted outcome.

"What can I say? All shall be revealed in good time," the voluptuous woman winked saucily as she embraced Shinji.

"Dude! That's so unfair!" Touji protested. "You get so many cool perks!"

"Now I have to be a pilot!" Kensuke squealed in a fanboy-esque fashion.

"Like even Misato would let a pair of losers like you two near her," Asuka snorted.

The tracksuit clad stooge bristled and was about to make a scathing retort when Misato agreed with his nemesis.

"I'd rather catch something off a manwhore like Kaji than someone like either of those two," the purple haired woman said, much to the annoyance of three of Shinji's friends. "But there is someone I know that I wouldn't mind spending more time with."

Shinji blushed as Misato held him close enough to press her breasts against his chest.

"Shinji's a gentleman," Misato smiled broadly. "I can trust him."

"Yeah, well if he's so great, why don't you just declare your love for him and move him into your room?" the redhead asked with a bored tone.

"That's a great idea, Asuka," the tactical officer mused. "Shinji, why don't we start dating?"

"I-if you want to, Misato-san," the male pilot stammered.

"Well, since that's decided, let's go out for a drink or two?"

* * *

Several hours later, Shinji and Misato were making their way back to the apartment with the purple haired woman inebriated to the point her she needed the pilot to help her get home.

"Sssshinji, why are you so nice to me?" the drunkard asked, nuzzling against her roommate's neck. "Are you hoping that I'll put in a good word with one of the girls at NERV so you can get some action?"

"Misato-san!" the young Ikari protested. "You're embarrassing me!"

"But why else would y-?" the NERV officer started to ask, but she slipped and fell against her friend, who managed to prevent her from falling into the gutter.

"Misato-san, are you all right?" Shinji asked as he helped the drunkard to her feet.

"I think s- Ah! My ankle!" Misato gasped when she tried to regain her footing.

"Lean on me, Misato-san," the pilot reassured as best he could as he struggled with the drunken woman's swaying. "I'll get us home."

"You're a wonderful human being, Shinji," the purple haired woman slurred as she wrapped her arms around the nicest person she knew. "And you smell nice, too."

Shinji blushed as Misato fell asleep leaning up against him. The blue-eyed youth did his best to get the pair of them home. After a while, he was out of breath and flagged down a taxi after checking his wallet.

Thankfully, his guardian had paid for most of her drinks, leaving him with just enough to get them to the apartment building.

After thanking the taxi driver, the Third Child hefted his unconscious friend into the apartment just in time for Misato to wake up.

"Wha? What's going on, Shin-chan?" the drunk asked, her eyes glazed.

"We're back home, Misato-san, and it's time for bed."

"Already? But I wanted to have some more fun," the purple haired woman said in what was an attempt at a seductive tone.

"Misato-san, we don't have time for that sort of thing – it's getting late and I've got school in the morning," Shinji reminded Misato.

"I suppose so," Misato sighed. "Maybe tomorrow, ok?"

* * *

Again, Shinji Ikari helped his friend to her bed without molesting the inebriated beauty.

The pilot started to quietly make his way out of the room when an arm snaked out and stopped him in his tracks.

"Please don't leave me, Shin-chan," Misato murmured softly. "I'm lonely."

"But Misato-san…"

"But nothing, Shin-chan," the purple haired woman admonished as she lifted her head. Her face softened as she added, "I just want you to hold me for a while."

"But what if Asuka comes home and sees us?" the pilot asked, checking over his shoulder for the redhead. "She's out with Kaji-san and could be back any minute now."

"Just hold me until they come back, please?"

Sighing in defeat, the young Ikari climbed onto Misato's bed next to the half-naked woman. "Good night, Misato-san."

"G'night, Shinji-chan," the drunkard mumbled as she clumsily embraced her friend.

* * *

Misato woke up feeling like a billion yen. She looked across her pillow to see Shinji lying there, with a troubled look on his face.

Leaning over, she gave the young man a kiss on the cheek. "Morning, Shin-chan."

"Morning, Misato-san," the pilot replied in a hollow tone. "Dr. Akagi just called to say that she wanted us to go in for a sync test."

"Boo," the purple haired woman grumbled. "I wanted to do something fun today."

* * *

After a light breakfast, the pair drove silently into NERV for their appointment with Ritsuko and an unscheduled test.

After the test, the Chief Scientist of Project E summoned her friend into her office.

"What's up, Ritsuko?" the Captain asked with a smile.

"Shinji's test results. Something happened to lower his score. What happened at your apartment?" the bottle blonde asked in an accusing tone.

"Nothing, why?" Misato asked, hurt at the insinuation.

"Well, I spoke with Shinji and it seems that you made him spend the night in your bed. Anything to say in your defence, Misato?" Ritsuko asked as she rose up from her seat.

"What? What's that got to do with anything?"

"You need to be punished for your paedophilia, Captain Katsuragi. And the punishment for molesting such a sweet, innocent boy is a spanking!" the scientist declared as she pulled out a 15 inch black rubber cock. "Assume the position!"

"Wait! Nothing happened! I swear it!" Misato protested.

"A likely story," the faux blonde replied sarcastically. "Now, bend over my desk so I can punish you for forcing yourself on Shinji-kun!"

* * *

Misato's eyes shot open.

"Damn. That was a weird dream," she mused as she glanced at her alarm clock. "5.30, damn, I'm not going to be able to get back to sleep."

The purple haired alcoholic looked down when she felt something in her bed.

"Shinji? Is that you?"

The body stirred. "Can I go to my own bed now, Misato-san?" the pilot asked in a tired voice. "I can't sleep with your hands touching me like that."

Captain Katsuragi looked where her hands has roamed during the course of the night.

"Oh, now that IS awkward. I'm so sorry, Shinji, I didn't mean to do that to you, it's just that I get lonely, you know, and I wanted some company and you're so nice to me," the panicking woman babbled.

"It's ok, Misato-san, I just need to get some sleep before I go to school," Shinji said the most reassuring tone he could muster.

As the pilot exited the bed, Misato could see the effects of her wandering hands and blushed despite herself.

The purple haired beer drinker rolled onto her back and sighed when her charge had left for his own room. "That could have gone better. I need to talk to Ritsuko."

* * *

In Ritsuko Akagi's apartment, her phone started to ring incessantly. After thirty seconds of ringing, the bottle blonde managed to reach the infernal noisemaker.

"Dr. Akagi speaking. This better be important."

"¬Ritsuko, it's Misato. I need to talk to you.¬"

"Misato, if this isn't to tell me that Shinji and/or Asuka are sick or injured, I'm hanging up," the scientist warned. "You have ten seconds to convince me that I shouldn't hang up on you."

"¬I screwed up with Shinji,¬" the voice at the other end on the line winced.

"Eight seconds, Misato."

"¬I kind of molested Shinji in my sleep…¬"

"If this is a joke Misato, it's not funny.

"¬I'm serious!¬" Misato insisted.

"Ok, what happened?"

"¬After our double date with Kaji and Asuka, I went bar-hopping with Shinji. When we got home, I asked him to hold me, and while I was sleeping, I kinda interfered with him,¬" Misato sighed.

"You 'kinda interfered with him'?" Ritsuko repeated. "Misato, do you have any idea how much psychological damage you're doing to Shinji-kun?"

"¬It's not like I'm hideous, Ritsuko!¬"

"No, you're not, Misato," the bottle blonde agreed. "But do you remember what I said about him needing to make a move or two?"

"¬Yes,¬" the purple haired woman rolled her eyes.

"Good," said the scientist. "While I'm sure he enjoyed the view you gave him when he caught you masturbating, your groping of him was not a good idea. Accidental or not."

"¬But what do I do now?¬" Misato asked with a hint of frustration. "¬How do I tell him that I like him and I don't want to hurt him?¬"

Ritsuko sighed. "Tell Shinji to take the day off school and spend the day talking to the poor lad. Ask him what he wants and work something out between the pair of you. You got that?"

"¬Yeah, thanks, Ritsuko.¬"

"Don't thank me yet, I WILL call this favour in. With interest," the bottle blonde warned. "And make sure you tell Shinji that you care about him and that you don't want to hurt him."

"¬Yes, Mother,¬" Misato added sarcastically.

* * *

To be continued…

Well, this was pre-read by Chi Vayne, as per the norm.

Any questions from those I managed to trick into reading this rubbish?


	3. Chapter 3

Alcohol: The Cause and Solution of Life's Problems

By Lord Raa

* * *

Disclaim-me-do: A wise man learns from his mistakes, but it's a bloody fool that doesn't learn other peoples.

* * *

Part Three

* * *

Ritsuko sighed as she ended the call with Misato.

"Could she possibly screw up more?" she asked the empty, darkened room.

"Yes," the cynical woman mused. "I better pay her a visit before she offers to be Shinji's love slave or something equally stupid."

The bottle blonde lay her head down on the pillow and closed her eyes, hoping to get another hour or two's sleep before she left to stop her friend from doing anything too stupid.

But fate was not kind to Ritsuko, as images of Misato begging Shinji to spank her shapely, cut-off clad posterior entered her head.

"For fuck's sake, Misato, could you cause me more trouble? I mean, it's not like I've got anything else to do with my time, is it?!"

Throwing off her covers, the scientist got up and decided that she needed a shower and a hearty breakfast.

* * *

"Göttfluch es, Kaji!" Asuka muttered angrily as she wandered dejectedly towards her residence in Tokyo-3.

She was not in the best of moods, despite her ditching Misato and Shinji on their double date to spend time alone with the man of her dreams.

Taking a page out of her guardian's book, the redhead had managed to convince the long haired man to have a few drinks to get him "in the mood". Her plan had worked up a certain point.

That point being when she managed to coerce Kaji into taking her to his home for some fun.

However, she had miscalculated the amount the unshaven man had had to drink, and as the old saying goes, "alcohol provides the desire, but takes away the ability to perform".

Asuka sighed again, but did feel better for having managed to get Kaji to let her touch his manhood.

"At least it was bigger than the baka hentai's," she smirked.

The pilot opened the door to Misato's apartment.

"And just where have you been, you dirty stop-out?" the purple haired woman demanded.

"I wasn't alone all night," the Second Child protested. "I was with Kaji!"

"Doing what?" Misato asked, her eyes narrowing.

"Nothing happened, Misato," Asuka rolled her eyes. "Besides, he fell asleep before we could go any further…"

"I see, well, you're grounded for the next two weeks. You're only getting out of here for school and NERV related operations. Is. That. Understood?" the Captain growled.

"Yes," the redhead replied sarcastically.

"Watch it, Asuka. You're already skating on thin ice," Misato angrily pointed a finger at her female charge. "I could have you confined to a cell at NERV headquarters, you know."

"You wouldn't!"

"Don't tempt me, Asuka," the purple haired woman warned. "Now, since that's sorted, go to bed, get a couple of hours sleep before you go to school."

The Second Child yawned as she nodded. "I'll see you in a few."

* * *

8 o'clock rolled around, and it was up to Misato to wake up Asuka.

"Asuka, you better get up. Unless you're too tired to go to school, you little tramp!" the captain teased.

"That's a bit rich coming from you, Misato!" the redhead shot back through the door. "See, I'm up!"

The door opened and the fully clothed pilot emerged. She flicked her hair over her shoulder in a defiant gesture.

"Shinji's about to serve up breakfast," was all the purple-haired woman said in response.

The meal was started, and with the exception of "itadakimasu", was eaten in silence up until the point that the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it, Misato-san," Shinji said in a resigned tone. He opened the door and was surprised to see Ritsuko standing there.

"Hi Shinji-kun, can I come in?"

"D-Dr. Akagi! Is there a problem?"

"No," the bottle blonde lied. "I just need to speak with you and Misato. Is she conscious yet?"

"I am, Ritsuko. What's up?"

"I was just telling Shinji here that I needed to speak with the pair of you," Ritsuko explained. "That would be in private, Asuka. So you run along off to school now."

"What about him?" the Second Child asked as she jabbed a finger towards the domesticated teenager. "Why does he get to skip school?"

"Fine, Asuka," Misato sighed. "You can have the day off, too. I don't care what you spend the day doing, but can't spend it here."

"I guess I'll go check out the arcade," Asuka shrugged. Internally, she was cheering her guardian's patchy memory. 'Thank God for beer!'

After the redhead had left the apartment, Shinji turned to Ritsuko.

"What did you want to talk to me about, Dr. Akagi?"

"Well, it was both of you that I wanted to talk to, Shinji-kun," the bottle blonde replied as she gestured to her friend.

"Yeah, I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for last night, Shinji," Misato apologised. "I do care about you, you know."

"Thank you," the pilot blushed at the attention.

Ritsuko sighed. "That's not quite what I had in mind, Misato."

"What do you mean, Dr. Akagi?" Shinji asked as he started to clear the table.

The scientist cast a glance at the purple haired woman.

"Oh yeah," the barely dressed woman remembered. "I wanted to ask you, what sort of girl are you interested in? I'm not trying to tease you or anything; I just want to know what sort of person my friend likes."

The Third Child looked puzzled for a moment. "I don't really know, Misato-san. I mean, I never gave it much thought, to be honest."

Misato made a gesture for help when Shinji turned around to do the washing up.

"What do you think of Misato, Shinji-kun? I know that she likes you," Ritsuko mentioned casually. "I know what happened last night. If you want to move out, then I can arrange that."

"No, I like it here," Shinji said, his cheeks colouring. "I like Misato, she's been nice to me."

"Shinji," the faux-blonde said in a stern tone, "I'd hardly call molesting you 'being nice'."

"It was an accident! It was my fault that she got so drunk, if I had been more forceful and made her come home earlier, it wouldn't have happened," the young Ikari insisted.

"Do you have any idea how many abuse victims say that?" Dr. Akagi asked. "If you don't want to be touched by Misato like that, then say so. I'll move you out into different accommodation. But if you do want a more intimate relationship with Misato then say so now!"

"Pimping me out again, Ritsuko?" Misato huffed.

"You can take the moral high ground when you're not the one molesting people in your sleep, Misato," the scientist replied icily. "So then, Shinji-kun, what do you want from a relationship with Misato?"

"I don't know," the pilot evaded.

"Did you like it when she touched you last night?" Ritsuko asked casually as she reached for an ashtray.

"What are you trying to do?" Misato shouted in disbelief.

The bottle blonde lit up a cigarette and purposely delayed her response. "I'm trying to help you."

"And just how is embarrassing Shinji helping us?" the purple haired beauty demanded as she slammed her hands on the table.

The smoking woman cast a glance up to her friend before turning to Shinji. "Well, Shinji-kun? Do you like it when Misato touches you and exposes herself to you?"

The teenager's face threatened to explode from the blood pressure.

"How would you like to see another woman to compare Misato to? I mean, she drinks a lot of beer, so surely she's getting a little bit pudgy these days…"

"I am not getting pudgy!" Misato protested. "Besides, you're older, so you must be sagging!"

"I am not sagging, Misato," Ritsuko replied, her hands blurring as they opened her blouse. "See."

Shinji was treated to the sight of his guardian's best friend's breasts.

"Oh, you like that, do you, Shinji-kun? Well, would you like to see whose are firmer?"

"But…" the pilot protested weakly as the two voluptuous women advanced on his position. "Misato-san!"

* * *

"Misato-san! Misato-san!" Shinji called out as he banged on the door to the captain's bedroom.

"What is it, Shin-chan?" a muffled voice called out.

"It's Dr. Akagi; she wants to talk to you."

"She does?" Misato asked, her hangover in full swing.

"Yes, Misato. Now drag your drunken carcass out of bed. We need to talk," Ritsuko instructed.

The door slid open. "We do? About what?"

"About what happened last night," the bottle blonde answered sternly before turning to the kitchen.

"Is something the matter, Dr. Akagi?"

"Yes, Shinji-kun, but I think that Misato has something to say that should help things."

A nodding Shinji poured four cups of coffee and handed them to his friends.

"So, what brings you here at this time in the morning, Dr. Akagi?" Asuka asked as she spooned in some sugar to her hot beverage.

"Well, to be honest, it might be considered a private matter between Shinji-kun and Misato," the bottle blonde answered. "I'm sure that they'd rather you didn't know about it. No offence."

The redhead rolled her eyes. "What is it, you hear to witness Misato's complaints about Shinji stealing her panties?"

Shinji's faced turned red and he began to splutter in protest.

"No, but what's this I hear about you staying the night at Kaji's? Do you like scruffy older men?" Ritsuko asked with an amused smirk.

Now it was Asuka's turn to be embarrassed. "T-that's got nothing to do with you!"

"Oh, I disagree, Asuka," Misato chimed in. "I mean, if you and Kaji are doing it, then it could affect your sync ratio."

"We aren't doing it! He fell asleep before we could…" the female pilot stopped when she realised what she had said.

"So, you like the manwhores, eh?" the purple haired woman teased. "Well, I think that we had better keep you under lock and key at NERV headquarters for your safety."

"Yes, I think that would be best. After all, who knows what sort of unsavoury person you could meet out there cruising for rentboys…" Ritsuko decided as she sipped her coffee.

"I don't go cruising for rentboys!" Asuka insisted, slamming her fists on the dining table. "That's more Misato's thing! I saw her sneaking naked into Shinji's room the other night!"

"That only happened once!" the beer drinker insisted.

The bottle blonde breathed a sigh of relief, casting an amused glance at her old friend. "I was worried that you've gotten THAT desperate that you added 'servicing you sexually' to Shinji-kun's list of chores, Misato."

When Misato spluttered in indignant rage, Ritsuko set her cup on the table. "All joking aside, you've been negligent in your duties, Misato. Don't look too smug, Asuka, I expected better from someone of your intelligence."

"Hey! It's not like I did anything with Kaji," the redhead huffed.

"No, you didn't," the scientist agreed. "But what if you had done something and gotten pregnant? You do realise that the Commander would have ordered the pregnancy be terminated, and that could have implications if you wanted children of your own in later life."

"He wouldn't…" Asuka said, mainly in an attempt to convince herself rather than the others.

"If he abandoned me when I was four," Shinji added in a quiet voice, "what makes you think that he cares about you?"

"Pfft, I'm me and you're you," the Second Child replied with false bravado. "There's a world of difference between us."

"That's enough Asuka," Misato warned.

"Yes," the faux blonde agreed, her eyes narrowing. "I think that it would be for the best for you to spend some time apart. Asuka, you're moving into the barracks at NERV. Shinji-kun."

"Yes, Dr. Akagi?"

"You'll be moving out of here for a short while. Don't worry, you can still spend time with Misato, if that's what you want," Ritsuko added quickly. "It's just that I'm not so sure that the two of you staying under the same roof is such a good idea right now."

"But who would look after Misato-san?" Shinji asked, concern etched on his face.

"Shinji-kun," the scientist smiled patronisingly, "if she managed to look after herself before you arrived, I'm sure she'll be able to look after herself without you."

"But it's not like I'm abusing Shin-chan," Misato protested, thoughts of having to go back to instant food were making her sad.

"Misato," Ritsuko ground out as she glared at her friend. "Who is it that keeps this place clean? Who does most of the cooking? Just because you're not beating him or making him masturbate for your amusement, it doesn't mean you're not abusing Shinji. That goes for you too, Asuka."

"Hey!" the redhead protested. "Just what kind of person do you think I am?"

"Egotistical, self-centred, arrogant," the purple haired drunkard replied.

"Stop listing synonyms, Misato," Ritsuko scolded. "Yes, you're selfish, Asuka. Have you ever thought about how you treat Shinji-kun?"

"I don't like doing the chores, but he does. What's there to think about?" Asuka snorted.

"You could be a bit nicer, Asuka," Shinji added quietly.

"Quiet, you," the Second Child growled.

"Eeep!" the male pilot flinched.

Ritsuko lit up another cigarette. "That's exactly what were I'm talking about, Asuka. I'll tell you what, if you and Misato can start treating Shinji-kun with more respect, then I'll keep the accommodation arrangements as they are."

"Ok," Misato agreed readily.

"Meh, I suppose so," the red-haired girl shrugged.

"Good," the smoking woman smiled as she tapped some ash into an old beer can. She continued to smoke silently for a few minutes. "How do you want to do this? Surveillance cameras or a chaperone?"

"WHAT?!" Misato and Asuka chorused.

"Surveillance cameras or a chaperone," the bottle blonde repeated before taking a last drag on her cigarette. "How else can I be sure that you're upholding your end of the bargain?"

"Don't you trust them?" Shinji asked.

"Do you? I'll need evidence of Misato cleaning and Asuka cooking. Can you think of a better idea?" Ritsuko countered. "Also, how else are we going to keep your chastity intact?"

When Asuka shot a questioning glance at Misato, the beer drinker just shrugged.

"Unless, of course, you want to do that sort of thing with Misato," the scientist smirked.

"I-it did feel nice," the young man admitted with a heavy blush.

"See! Shin-chan likes me!" Misato declared proudly. "You wouldn't want to take him away from someone he likes. You are trying to help him, aren't you?"

Pinching the bridge of her nose, Ritsuko sighed sadly. "I already agreed to keep things as they are, Misato. But I'll tell you what, we'll have Shinji-kun move into your room with you, since you're so enamoured with the idea of 'being nice' to him and I'll move into his room to make sure that you're both treating him with respect. Before you protest, I can have the pilots relocated to wherever I deem fit."

"Fine, whatever," the female pilot muttered angrily.

"Don't be too upset, Asuka," the faux blonde smiled. "After all, I'll be moving out when I'm convinced that you're both treating Shinji better."

"I could always move in with Hikari and her sisters," Asuka mused aloud.

"Then Kaji can't come visit you," Ritsuko smirked. "If I recall correctly, Horaki-san has three daughters, one of which is older than you, Asuka. What if she takes a liking to Kaji?"

"You're absolutely right, Akagi! I can't trust Kodama not to be all over Kaji like a rash!"

"Actually, I think it's Kaji that would be all over Kodama," Misato teased. "He does have a wandering eye. And hands don't exactly stay where they should, either."

"Yes," the bottle blonde agreed sadly. "So then, it's decided: Shinji-kun will move into Misato's room and I'll move into his for the next two weeks. After that time, I'll make the decision as to what to do with everyone. If I'm convinced that Shinji's not being abused, then I'll move out."

"Ok, Ritsuko-san," Shinji nodded.

"That's great. Oh, by the way, I hope none of you are allergic to cats, because I've got to move my two in to look after them. They are house trained and I'll look after their litter tray."

* * *

It was later that afternoon when Shinji was helping Ritsuko move her stuff into his old room. It hadn't taking the male pilot very long to relocate his meagre collection of belongings, those being a cello, a small selection of clothes and his SDAT player.

Ritsuko hadn't brought that much stuff over: some clothes, her cats and her laptop.

"Thank you, Shinji-kun," the bottle blonde smiled. "Now then, who's hungry? I'll order us a pizza."

"Ooh, pizza? Sounds like a plan," Misato smiled as she emerged from the bathroom. "How many toppings can we have on the large?"

"Four. One of them will be mushrooms. What about you, Asuka?"

"I'm going out to Hikari's in a bit, so don't bother ordering me anything," the redhead called out.

"Aren't you grounded?" Misato smirked.

"…"

"You can go if you do the washing up, Asuka," Ritsuko sighed. "You are grounded, but if you do a chore that's not been assigned to you, then you can go out for the day."

Seeing as this was a better idea than just stewing in the increased claustrophobia of the apartment, Asuka agreed rather than her first response of "Who died and made you El Presidenté for life?"

"See, Misato, if you treat people like adults, they'll behave like adults," the scientist smiled at her friend as the red haired girl strode to the kitchen. "Oh, and Asuka, please be home before midnight."

"Yes, Mother," was the sarcastic reply from the kitchen.

Ten minutes later, and Asuka entered her bedroom, proving that she was capable of "performing demeaning tasks" when properly motivated. It was another ten minutes before Asuka resurfaced and made sure that her roommates knew she was off.

"I'll be back later, don't wait up."

"Asuka," Misato called out.

"What?"

"Asuka, I know you have a major crush on Kaji and that you'll do what you want, but if you MUST sleep with that manwhore, don't do it without protection," the purple haired woman said in a maternal tone. "We may not be the best of friends, but I don't want to see you hurt."

"Thanks, Misato," the redhead smiled honestly. "That means a lot to me."

"Go on, get out of here before you're late for whatever you've planned."

Asuka quickly left the apartment to meet up with Hikari.

"That was surprisingly mature for you, Misato," Ritsuko noted as she took her seat in the lounge. "I'm impressed."

"Thanks," the Captain said as she rolled her eyes. "Anyway, how long for the pizza?"

The doorbell rang.

"I'll get it," Shinji called out. "Yes?"

"Pizza delivery for Akagi?"

"One moment, I'll get the money for you."

* * *

After the delivered meal was consumed with great relish and very little conversation, Misato decided that she wanted her new boyfriend to sit next to her while they watched TV.

Shinji took his place next to the purple haired beauty, but sat still and focused his eyes on the TV screen, much to the beer drinker's chagrin.

Rolling her eyes, Misato stood up to leave for the toilet. "I'll be back in a minute, Shin-chan."

Not knowing what to do, the young Ikari also stood up and walked to the door when the returning Ritsuko blocked the doorway. "That's rather antisocial of you, Shinji-kun."

"But I…"

"But what, Shinji-kun?" the bottle blonde asked as she placed the tray of drinks down. What is bothering you?"

"It's nothing, I'm being silly…" Shinji mumbled evasively.

Ritsuko placed a hand on the pilot's shoulder. "What's really up? Are you and Misato fighting? Or is it precisely the opposite?"

"No, we're not fighting, it's just that..." the teenager's face coloured as he tried to word his response. "It's just that I like her but I'm not good enough for…"

"Not good enough for who?" Misato asked as she returned to the lounge. Grabbing a beer off the tray, she sat back down on the sofa. "Does my Shin-chan have his eye on some girl at school? Am I being ditched so soon into the relationship?"

"No, it's just that well, there is this woman I like, but she's…"

"But she's what?" the purple haired woman asked with a quizzical look on her face. "Is she playing you for a sap and getting you to pay for things like mobile phones and fashion accessories? You being taken advantage of?"

"No," Shinji replied. "She's too good for me. I mean, she's beautiful, she's strong, a lot stronger than me and she's a good person."

"Does she know who you are and what you do?"

"…Yes…"

"So just what makes you think that you're not worthy of anyone like her, Shin-chan?" Misato asked with narrowed eyes.

"I'm a spineless coward, I have to be talked into piloting Eva. Besides, there are lots of other men that like her. Men that would be better for her than me," the pilot added.

Frowning, the captain stood up and crossed the room to her roommate. "You're not a spineless coward, Shin-chan – you're someone who's trying his best in an extraordinary situation. What you are is a kind soul who takes care of people who can't look after themselves. Look, tell me who this woman is and I'll have a word with her about her showing you just how much you mean to Tokyo-3, ok?"

"But…"

"But what, Shin-chan?"

"But the person I like is you, Misato-san…" Shinji mumbled before trying to escape.

"Oh no you don't, Shinji," Ritsuko scolded as she grabbed the pilot's arm. "You're not running off after dropping a bombshell like that."

"Me?" Misato asked in confusion. "What makes you think that you're not good enough for me?"

"Because you're a goddess!" the young Ikari blurted out. "I mean look at you, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. You don't take crap off anyone and you're a good person; you didn't have to take me in like you did."

"I haven't been that nice to you, Shinji. I make you risk your life every time you pilot Unit-01 and I tricked you into doing all the cooking and cleaning here," Misato countered. "I also tease you and stir things up with Asuka for my amusement. Just how is that being nice to you?"

"You're really beautiful and you don't hit me or shout at me like Asuka," the pilot answered.

'That's the most pathetic bunch of reasons for wanting to go out with someone I've ever heard,' Misato thought sadly. "So because I don't look like the back end of a bus, I let you stay here and I don't abuse you like Asuka, you think I'm a decent human being?"

"Yes," Shinji nodded with a heavy blush.

"I'm not the decent person you think I am, Shinji," the purple haired beauty replied. "Not by a long shot. Besides, what you're feeling is just a hormonal crush," she added, though it was more of an attempt to keep her own feelings in check.

"That's not true," the teenager insisted. "It's Touji and Kensuke only see you for your looks."

"Oh, and what do you see in Misato, Shinji-kun?" Ritsuko asked as she pulled out a cigarette. "I mean, she can't cook, she's an alcoholic, a reckless driver and she just admitted to using you for her own entertainment. What could possibly attract you to her over someone like Rei, for example?"

Misato cast a dirty look at her friend that Shinji missed.

"…" Shinji was at a loss for words.

"I'm waiting for an answer, Shinji-kun. Misato is my best friend and I don't want to see her treated like some kind of trophy," the smoker added angrily. "So what is it that attracts you to Misato that isn't just the fact that she's a stunningly beautiful woman?"

"She needs me…well not necessarily me, but someone to look after her. I want to be that person… not because I think that she'll, you know, with me, but… I don't know, I can't explain it." The pilot scratched his head in frustration. "I've never felt like this about someone before, and I want to make her happy. If doing the chores means that she can spend more time finding something other than drinking to make her happy, then it's worth it."

"What if I want to do nasty things to you?" Misato asked, her arms folded under her ample breasts. "What if making you my bitch and forcing you to do humiliating sexual acts makes me happy?"

Shinji blushed brightly and struggled to find a response.

"Yes, that's a good question, Shinji-kun," Ritsuko smirked. "What if Misato said that seeing you clean the apartment naked would make her happy. Would you do it?"

"…Yes."

"I see, well, bear with us one moment, Shinji-kun," the faux blonde said as she dragged Misato off for some privacy.

In the hallway, Misato tried to think of a way out of this latest turn in her life. "I can't do this to Shinji, Ritsuko."

"You don't have to use him like a slave, Misato," the smoker replied. "But yes, this isn't exactly a healthy relationship. What do you plan to do with Shinji? He's offering himself up on a silver platter to you. All you have to do is cut down on your drinking and occasionally have sex with Shinji and you'll have someone who worships you. Can you deal with that?"

"... I don't know, Ritsuko," the purple haired woman sighed.

"Misato, it's got to be you," the scientist smiled. "If you don't someone else will take advantage of him, I mean it's not like Shinji would refuse anything to someone who took him up on this offer.

"Hell, you could spend a day trying to come up with reasons for and against this, Misato, so do it for NERV or do it for yourself I don't care what you decide, but please make it quick."

"You make it sound like you're willing to step in if I say 'no', Ritsuko," Misato noted dryly.

"I can't say that I wouldn't be tempted to have someone wait on my hand and foot for a while," Ritsuko smirked. "But he doesn't want me, he wants you. And I'll be honest, the pair of you are well suited together, better than most couples I've seen."

"You really think so?" the beer drinker asked. "You're not fucking with me, are you? This isn't revenge for something horrible I did to you but I can't remember thanks to the haze of alcohol?"

"I'm being completely honest with you, Misato," the bottle blonde sighed. "Now, go, tell Shinji what you want to do."

"Ok," Misato said. She took a deep breath and walked back into lounge to where Shinji was waiting nervously.

"M-misato-san?" the pilot asked with a hope filled voice.

* * *

To be continued….

Of course I had to leave it just there.

Have you not read my profile?

Anyway, this was pre-read by Chi Vayne and was kind of previewed on Hawk's forum.

Any questions?


	4. Chapter 4

Alcohol: The Cause and Solution of Life's Problems

By Lord Raa

* * *

Disclaim-me-do: There are many ways to fix a wagon, son.

* * *

Part Four

* * *

"M-misato-san?" Shinji asked with a hope filled voice.

"Shin-chan, I…" the purple haired woman sighed. "I'm not the goddess you think I am. I'm a dirty, filthy woman. If I wasn't, I'd be married by now, wouldn't I?"

"No," the young Ikari protested. "I don't believe that for a second. You're a good person, it's just that you don't know how to take care of a house."

"Yeah, I should get a maid rather than a teenaged boy to look after me," the beer drinker replied. "You're making a terrible mistake in putting me on that pedestal, Shinji. I'm filth! I let Kaji go 'ass-to-mouth'. You know what that means? I sucked him off after letting him fuck me in the ass. Several times and not just in the heat of the moment.

"Just how is that how a 'goddess' behaves?"

"…" Ritsuko rubbed her forehead. "You can't make things easy, can you Misato?"

"He deserves to know the truth! I'm not the letting him blindly worship someone who doesn't deserve it!" Misato shot back.

Shinji's blush had subsided sufficiently to let him think about what Asuka had said the other day about behavioural psychology. "People's behaviour is affected by their environment and upbringing. There's usually a reason for people behaving like jerks or sluts. But as for you, you're just an idiot."

"I don't care."

"What? You don't care? You don't care that I'm a filthy whore?!" the captain demanded.

"Stop saying that! It's not true! I'll hit the next person that insults you like that!" the Third Child declared, even though he knew that there was a very good chance that he'd be the one that ended up hurt.

"You stop defending me like I'm some sort of deity!" the purple haired woman shouted back. "Damnit, can't you get it through your thick skull that I'm not the woman you think I am? Are you the baka Asuka says you are?"

"Yes I am!" Shinji said in an uncharacteristically loud tone of voice. He backed off when he realised just how loud and aggressive he was getting. "I-I'm sorry."

"Misato, I know you want to be sure what Shinji-kun feels about you, but please, did you really have to go and say all that?" Ritsuko sighed. "Shinji, stay where you are."

The pilot stopped in his tracks. "Yes, Dr. Akagi."

"Sit down and get comfortable because we're not moving until this is sorted out," the faux blonde instructed. "Good. Now then, first off: Shinji, Misato is most definitely not the goddess you think she is. But she's not the scum she says she is. Secondly: Misato, Shinji isn't as pure and innocent as you think he is."

"No, I'm not good enough for you Misato-s-," Shinji started

"Stop that!" Misato ordered. "You're making Pen-pen cry with your poisonous lies! You're frightened every time you pilot Eva, that's understandable, but every time you do it, you save countless lives. Not exactly the actions of a perverted coward, is it?"

"But…"

"She's got a good point, Shinji-kun," the scientist added dryly before she lit up a cigarette. "I have a pretty good idea of what you're going through when you pilot Unit-01. It's not a walk in the park."

The pilot, feeling uncomfortable with the attention, looked down at his feet.

"And no, Misato, Shinji is not disgusted with you. He's just shy. Are the pair of you done with your self-loathing, or is there more?"

"Sorry," the pair on the couch mumbled softly.

"Alright then," Ritsuko smiled as she took a drag on her tobacco. "Is this close to being sorted? I'm tired thanks to a certain someone calling me up at 5.30 this morning."

"Hey, it was an emergency," Misato protested.

"Sorry to bother you, Dr. Akagi," Shinji said in his usual soft voice. "I didn't want to make a fuss."

"You know, this is most bizarre argument I've seen a couple have," the smoker smiled good naturedly. "I mean, it's probably the first time people have rowed that they're not good enough for their partner."

"But…" the drunkard tried to argue again.

"Misato, I know you well enough to know that while you're not exactly a chaste maiden, you don't sleep with anything with a penis and a pulse." Working a crick out of her neck, Ritsuko turned to Shinji. "What can I do to convince you that you ARE good enough for each other?"

"…"

"Come on, Shinji-kun, all this self-loathing and depression is beginning to make me angry. I don't care what you do, just get over yourself and show Misato how much you care about her."

"Ok," the pilot said in a barely audible voice. "Misato-san, what can I do that would make you happy? I'd do anything and I mean ANYTHING for you."

Misato rubbed the back of her head in embarrassment. "I suppose that you could hold me while I sleep."

"Yay, we've come to a solution. Now, I'm running on coffee and adrenaline, so let's all turn in. I don't care if you have sex in every position in the Kama Sutra, just let me get some sleep, ok?" the scientist smiled.

* * *

Shinji blushed as he noticed that Misato hadn't put her laundered undergarments away. Considering the fact that he washed them, it shouldn't have been that big of a deal to see Misato's skimpy black panties on top of the laundry basket.

Still, Shinji considered himself something of a gentleman and said nothing as he desperately tried to find something else to focus his attention on.

"Come on Shin-chan, let's get to bed," the semi-naked purple haired woman said. "You're not going to sleep wearing your clothes, are you?"

"Sorry, Misato-san," the pilot mumbled. He shed his white button-up shirt and black school trousers to reveal a plain white t-shirt and a pair of black boxer shorts.

"Hold me, Shin-chan," Misato said as she climbed into bed. "You said you would."

Shinji gulped nervously, but seated himself next to Misato.

The beer drinker positioned herself so she could rest her head on Shinji's chest.

"I can feel your heart beating, Shin-chan," she whispered.

"S-sorry, Misato-san," the young Ikari mumbled with a heavy blush. He placed his arms around Misato. It was a little uncomfortable for him, but he dealt with the woman's larger frame pressing him into the mattress.

"It's ok, I find it comforting," Misato said as she fell asleep on her human pillow.

* * *

The bleeping alarm woke up Shinji rather than its owner, Misato. Struggling, the pilot managed to stop the incessant noise.

"Why can't I move… oh, I'm in Misato-san's bed…Wait a minute, I'm in Misato-san's bed!?!"

"Shush," the captain mumbled.

'Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit!' Shinji panicked. 'I can feel Misato-san's boobs! Think unsexy thoughts! Think unsexy thoughts! Think about piloting Eva, its pain and how I don't like it…'

That seemed to work for the young Ikari, at least up until the point he realised that he kind of liked it when Misato ordered him about….

"No, Shin-chan, I'm not in the mood…" Misato mumbled into her human pillow.

Her unexpected speech revealed to Shinji what was disturbing the near-comatose woman on top of him.

"Crap, when Misato finds out about this, I'm a dead man…maybe I can sneak out of here…" When tried to leave, Misato stirred again.

"No, don't leave me again, Daddy! I'm trying to be a good girl!"

"Misato-san?"

"Shin-chan?" the purple haired woman asked as she looked up from her adolescent pillow. "What are you doing here?"

"Y-you asked me to hold you while you slept, Misato-san," Shinji answered with a blush.

"I did? Oh yeah, I did. Sorry about that, Shin-chan, I had a nice dream that sort of turned nasty," the voluptuous captain said with an audible unpleasant aftertaste.

"Did you want me to make some breakfast?" the pilot asked, hoping to change the subject.

"Yeah, I'd like that, Shin-chan. Argh!" yelped Misato. "My neck! It hurts!"

"Stay there, I'll get Dr. Akagi!" Shinji said as he slipped from underneath the distressed woman.

"She's not a medical doctor, you know!"

"But…"

"Shinji, it's just a muscular pain between the neck and the shoulder blade. I get it when I sleep at a funny angle. You don't make a very good pillow, you know," Misato teased.

"I'm sor-" the pilot started until he realised that it was just a bout of teasing. "Here, let me help you."

After the teenager moved his roommate into a better position, he began to give the voluptuous woman a gentle neck rub. The tender ministrations soon elicited a soft moan of pleasure from the captain.

"Mmm, Shin-chan, that feels good."

Shinji smiled as he felt that there was something extra that he could do to make Misato happy.

After five minutes of massaging, Misato decided that a quid pro quo was needed.

"Shin-chan, I want to give you something as a thank you for this, but there's not much I'm good at or can offer you. I'm a shitty cook and I've not got money to buy you anything nice," the beer drinker snorted softly. "In fact, there's really only one thing that I can offer you, but I wouldn't be offended if you said 'no' – especially after what I told you last night."

"M-misato-san! You don't have to do anything like that for me," Shinji insisted with an atomic blush. "Just making you happy is enough for me."

"But paying you back for this would make me feel better, Shinji," Misato countered. "Please, otherwise I'd be taking advantage of you again."

"This is fine, Misato-san," the young man said as he wrapped his arms around the purple haired woman's waist and pressed his cheek against her tank-top clad back.

There was a knock on the bedroom door.

"Misato, Shinji, breakfast's going to be ready soon, so stop being a pair of perverts and wash up before you sit at the table," Asuka instructed.

* * *

At the breakfast table, Asuka noticed that Misato was in a good mood. It took a few moments, but she also noticed that the drunkard wasn't actually drinking beer as part of her balanced breakfast.

"What's up with you?"

"Shinji's been good to me, that's all."

"So if I flirted with him, showed him too much skin and generally acted like a prick tease, I'd have me a slave?" asked the redhead. She considered that for a moment. "No, I think I'll hold out for a real man, rather than settle for less. Sorry, Shinji, but you're just a boring boy."

"Have you ever considered that some people like the quiet life?" Ritsuko asked from behind her cup of coffee. "It's not like Shinji-kun's never had any excitement at all, now is it?"

"It's one thing wanting a quiet life, it's another to not be able to hold an interesting conversation," Asuka replied.

"Have you tried talking about something Shinji-kun likes?" the bottle blonde asked. "I mean, what do you really know about him?"

"…" the Second Child paused. 'This is part of her test…' "So then, Shinji, what sort of thing do you like?"

The young Ikari blinked. "Err, I like playing the cello."

"That's it? So it's basically classical music that you can hold a conversation about?"

"I know I'm not very exciting, but I'm more comfortable being that way," Shinji answered before turning his attention back to his meal.

"You know, all this talk about boys, girls, men and women makes me wonder why you think that Kaji is interested in you," Ritsuko said with a hint of a smile.

"…You're joking, right?" the redhead asked in a tone of forced calmness.

"No, I was wondering that, too," Misato smirked. "I mean, I know why you're interested in an older man – with one notable exception, the boys your age aren't exactly great catches. But I don't see why Kaji would want you, a mere slip of a girl, when there's single women like Ritsuko about."

"Because I'm not a Christmas Cake," Asuka replied with a smirk.

The ambient noise dropped to nothing as the Second Child became the centre of attention.

"I'm sorry, did you just call me a Christmas Cake?" Dr. Akagi asked with a twitching eye. "Because if you did, you're in for a world of hurt."

"Hehehe," the redhead chuckled nervously.

"Asuka, you shouldn't be so mean to everyone," Shinji chided. He flinched when his fellow pilot glared at him.

"Oh, so I should be a suck-up like you?"

"…"

Misato jumped into the argument to help out the young man to her right. "Actually, I like the way Shin-chan is nice and kind to everyone. It makes a nice change from manwhores and selfish assholes."

Ritsuko realised the truth in her friend's statement, but chose to formulate a suitable vengeance to enact on Asuka instead of verbally agreeing. 'Yes, I think that it's time for a thorough physical examination. With the appropriate level of documentation of the procedure and my results. Maybe I should get Shinji to help me out? The look on her face would be priceless…'

"Well, then, since that's all sorted," the bottle blonde said with a forced sweetness that Shinji missed, "I think that it's time for us to get ready for work."

Asuka didn't like the scientist's tone, but said nothing, knowing full well that it wouldn't be the first time that the pair of old hags tried to embarrass her in front of Shinji. Or even worse – Kaji!

* * *

At NERV, Misato was thinking about what she did with Shinji that morning. Sure, it was nice that he was nice to her, but she still felt that she needed to repay him in kind. Resolving to do something about it, she left her pile of paperwork to talk with Ritsuko.

Knocking on the bottle-blonde's office door, the voluptuous captain entered without waiting for an answer.

"It's a good thing I don't use this office to change, Misato."

"Sorry, but I need to talk to you," the purple haired lovely said with an apologetic look on her face.

Gesturing to an empty seat, Ritsuko asked her friend if she wanted a cup of coffee.

"Sure thing, Ritsuko, you always made good coffee."

"That's because my taste-buds are in better condition than yours, Misato. Now then, what was it that's so important that you have to barge in?"

"Well," Misato looked around hesitantly. "I want to do something for Shin-chan."

"Not this again, Misato," the scientist shook her head. "I already told you, do whatever you think is right. If you want to sleep with him, then do it. If you want to find someone else to be his girlfriend, then do that."

"But…"

Ritsuko sighed loudly as she reached for her tobacco. "For fuck's sake, Misato, you're getting as bad as Shinji-kun. I thought this was sorted out last night. You both like each other and you both want to care for each other, so what's the problem?"

The beer drinker sighed. "Never mind, it's just me being silly."

The bottle-blonde stopped her friend from leaving the office and locked the door. "What is it, Misato? I know you're not normally like this about a guy, so what gives?"

"Shin-chan's the first guy in a long time who hasn't seen me as just a sex object."

"And?"

"Well, what can I do to make him happy? All I can do is drive fast, drink vast amounts of booze and show a guy a good time in bed. So what can I do as a 'thank you' for the fourteen year old boy that's risking his life to save the world?" Misato asked, her exasperation getting the better of her.

"Fourteen is the national age of consent, Misato. If he wants to sleep with you, and you with him, no-one will have you arrested."

"That's my point, Ritsuko!" the Captain hissed. "Shinji doesn't expect me to spread my legs, he doesn't want to 'sully' me like that."

"Ok then, you don't want to have sex with Shinji-kun. That's ok, Misato, it means that you're not as predatory as I thought," Ritsuko smiled.

"Thanks," Misato deadpanned. "So now what? I mean, yeah, I could sleep with him, but I don't want to hurt him."

"We're going round in circles, Misato. You want to help him, he wants to help you. As he sees it, the best way for him to help you is to take care of you and you think that the only way you have to help him is to have sex with him. Wow, I'm sure that it's going to be a real chore sleeping with someone who wants to do everything he can to make you happy," the scientist replied sarcastically.

"You make it sound like you're jealous, Ritsuko."

Ritsuko threw her hands up in the air in anger. "I am. In fact, fuck it – if you don't want Shinji that way, I'll take him off your hands."

"But you said that…"

"I'm a compulsive liar, Misato," the bottle-blonde replied. "I was just testing your resolve when it comes to young men who dress in tight, vinyl suits. Mmm, vinyl-clad Shinji-kun."

"Stop that, it's not funny," Misato growled.

"Neither is your messing about like this. If you want him, take him. Make him yours. If you don't, you could find him someone who does want him like that. I don't care," Ritsuko scolded. "Just make your decision and stick with it. Now, get out, I've got work to do."

* * *

Shinji sat by himself in the NERV cafeteria. There was nothing unusual about this, but Kaji decided to say hello to the young pilot.

"What's up, Shinji? You don't normally spend much time in here when you're not eating."

Shinji looked up at the unshaven man. "Hi, Kaji-san. I was just thinking about Misato-san."

"So you've finally noticed that Misato-chan's a beautiful woman, eh? Well, good for you, Shinji-kun," the long haired letch said with a smirk. Inwardly, though, Kaji was concerned that the young man sitting before him might interfere with his plan to hook up with Misato.

"That's part of it," the pilot blushed. "She's determined to do something nice for me, but she thinks that she's only got one option. I was trying to think of something else that she could do."

Kaji nodded in understanding. 'So Misa-chan is thinking that she needs to repay Shinji-kun, eh? I wonder what she had in mind… Takes me back to when she apologised for dinging my car in college.'

The unscrupulous man smiled when he recalled what his girlfriend did for him. "So very saucy…" he muttered good naturedly.

He coughed when Shinji asked him if everything was alright. "Yes, everything's fine, Shinji-kun."

"Ah, there you are, Shinji," Misato called out from across the room. "I've been looking for you."

"Hi, Misato-chan."

"Oh. Hi, Kaji. What do you want?" the purple haired woman asked with a hint of suspicion.

"Why does everyone assume that I want something?" Kaji asked, feeling slightly hurt.

"Because you usually do. Now, since on this rare occasion you don't actually want anything, I need to speak with Shinji in private," Misato said with a forced smile.

Rolling his eyes, the long haired man left his ex-girlfriend in peace.

"What did you want to talk to me about, Misato-san?" Shinji asked looking up from his seat.

There was an awkward silence before the woman in question slid into the seat next to him and smiled.

"Why do you have to do this to me, Shin-chan?"

The young Ikari looked down sadly. "I'm, sorry, Misato-san."

"This is why it's not working out," Misato said as realisation dawned on her.

"Why what's not working out, Misato-san?" Shinji asked, confusion written on his face.

"Us. I mean, you're too nice and passive and if I take the initiative then I feel like, like a rapist," the beer drinker sighed sadly. "Now I know why Asuka gets frustrated with you."

"I'm sorry," the pilot said reflexively.

"That's what we're talking about, Shinji," Misato said, pointing a finger her roommate. "I know you're a nice guy, and I really appreciate it, but could you be just a teensy bit more proactive when it comes to our relationship?"

"But…"

"But nothing, Shinji. You have to break out of your shell, otherwise we're not going to get anywhere with this. It'll be just you and me being roommates who occasionally do nice things for each other," the Captain explained. "I don't know about you, but I want more than that."

"I-I-I do too, Misato-san," Shinji stammered in reply. "B-but the thing is that, well, I don't know what to do to make you happy and I'm not used to taking charge or being forceful."

Misato pondered this latest revelation. 'But he is good at following orders... so perhaps I should order him to take charge? No, I can't see that ending well. Maybe if I ordered him to tell me what he likes in a girl?'

Clicking her fingers, she turned to the young man sitting next to her. "Ok, Shin-chan, consider this a direct order. I want you to tell me what you find attractive in a girl. Don't tell me just yet, I need you to think long and hard about this because it's very important and it will affect our relationship, ok?"

"Ok, Misato-san. D-do you want me to write this down?"

"Yes. When you've done that, and you have to be very sure it's what you want, otherwise you could be in for a big surprise, hand it to me. Don't let anyone other that Ritsuko see it, ok?" the Captain instructed.

"Yes, Misato-san," Shinji nodded.

"Good, now get going, you've got a sync test."

* * *

During his post sync test shower, Shinji was pondering what to put as preferred qualities for a potential girlfriend.

"I suppose that I want someone who isn't loud like Asuka, or Misato when she's been drinking. Rei's nice like that.'

Rinsing off his shampoo lather, the pilot thought more about what he found attractive in women. 'Maybe if Misato knew someone who would appreciate me for being me… I know I'm not much, but if she could find me someone who doesn't expect me to be heroic or anything that would be nice. Not like the girls at school, they make me feel uncomfortable the way they insist on telling everyone they know what I do.'

Switching off the water, Shinji realised what it was that he wanted in a girlfriend.

"I want someone like Rei."

* * *

To be continued…

Well, what can I say? I thought that it was time for a suitably evil ending.

This was pre-read by Chi Vayne and previewed on Hawk's lovely forum.

Until laterer comes, readers.


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